dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
