She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I DEMAND FORESKIN
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
