The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
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