I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
