part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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