Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Terrible idea I love it
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
