Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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