tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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