Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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