nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
