Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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