You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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