It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
