So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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