The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Randomize
