I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
