I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
