if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I just found puke in my bra..
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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