the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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