2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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