So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
