y did u give ur computer a hand job?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
