woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Randomize
