bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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