my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Randomize
