Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
So vagazzling was a success
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
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