I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
