I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
