He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
