Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
