Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
