I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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