he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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