I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I just gargled with NyQuil
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
