new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
NoShamevember. You game?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
