I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
