and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
