nut hugger
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
