I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize