omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
