Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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