i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
