Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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