Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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