You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
