zippers are such a cool invention
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
This baby is an asshole
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
