He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
