His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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