I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
