The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
