I bet he comes in French.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
