You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
