what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
