I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
My dad just said "fuck circus"
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
