I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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