the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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