um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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