I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
